WTF is Black Hole Registry?
Greetings and welcome to Black Hole Registry!
You may be asking how did I get here and what did I do to deserve this? We can't answer that. Perhaps Google knows that you are another brilliant mind with a great sense of humor, and they sent you our way. Or maybe you should clear your browser history so you can hide that questionable stuff you are looking at. The journey doesn't matter. It's time to explore where you are at. Don't worry, we are here to help.
So WTF is Black Hole Registry anyway?
First, let's talk a little history, because we are here to correct it. Star Registries have been around since the 1970s. They claim to name a star after you or someone you choose. You get a star chart, a certificate and they print your name in a book which kind of gives you a very romantic copyright claim (if anyone wanted to copy their book. Hint: No one wants that). Sure, I suppose it's a nice gesture if you don't know anything about the Universe.
At Black Hole Registry we wanted to create Universal value and set the record straight (bad pun intended). You see, stars are ordinary and quite common. Are you sure that's what you want to say to your significant other? What about your employee, mother, father or friend? Oooh, your a star! Gee... Thanks, but we have some questions. What type of star are they? Are they a dim Red or Brown Dwarf? How about a White Dwarf which is just a used-up husk of a plain old star.
Giving someone a star or buying a foot of land in Scotland to call yourself a Lord or Lady can be a nice gift I suppose. Well m'Lord or m'Lady I'm here to tell you that this isn't the best give you can give someone. Black Holes are the real stars of the Universe!
Only the biggest stars with a mass 3x of Sol (our sun) will become a Black Hole, and they represent far more of humanity than a star can. They can bind us together by being the center of our Galaxies or they can be that civilization destroying asshole that roams the galaxy ruining shit for no apparent reason. We all know at least a few of those.
One of our heroes, Carl Sagan, once said "We are a way for the universe to know itself. Some part of our being knows this is where we came from. We long to return. And we can, because the cosmos is also within us. We're made of star stuff"
This is true! We have dead star stuff in all of us and it's past time for a cosmic DNA test to let people know what type of a hole or a-hole that dead star stuff turned into. Or what the hell, Black Holes are mysterious, give them one and keep them guessing at WTF it means. We got you! We are Midwesterners. Passive-aggressiveness wrapped in a bullshit reputation that we are nice is our bag baby.
Your registration will be a truly unique gift. Instead of a boring old name in a book your registration is a one-of-a-kind print of a Black Hole that exists somewhere in the Multiverse. Everyone loves art. This fine art print comes with a Certificate of Registration that describes what type of Hole they are and is recorded in our records until the heat death of the Universe or our database, whichever comes first.
We don't say this to everyone we meet but thank you for being here. Please check out our holes (also don't ignore the other stuff)
Sincerely,
Jayhole - Head Curator